Somewhere Between Lost and Found.

It was bloody hot and we were running on 2 hours of sleep.

Cold nights spent restless.

Sagebrush and black coffee dancing on the cold morning air.

Trippin over red cups that held vino their same color the night before.

Lost in our own giddiness. We were gone ya know. Stepped back generations.
Looking out over hills, standing with our eyes wide somewhere between lost and found.

We would look over at each other and just giggle and grin.
Our cheek bones were sun kissed, and oh the poetic lies we told each other.

Do you remember what I told you about the word always?

I shoved my shivering fingers deeper into denim pockets laughing at how serious you wanted me to be.

I remember pullin my saddle off a sweaty backed horse at the end of the day.

You were laughing at the way I put mascara on as you snugged a jacket over my shoulders.
And we were just in a truck cruisin with Highway to Hell on the radio. 

Everything that ever went wrong crossed my mind and I thought about what it shoulda been.

I was scared, you were distant. We were just telling lies.

I wish you would have had the guts to tell me what makes you bleed.

I know the cold bites early in the morning and I love the layers of sweaters and denim.

I've been scared and fearless, rough and soft.

I've had tears and smiles, and dust like face powder over my nose.

It felt like home tho.

Xoxo, Gussie

Last post of 2015. I hope you are all so damned giddy to start a new year that you can't handle it!

Adios 2015

Well we're kissing another year goodbye!
Kinda wild what can happen in a year.
Who all we meet, say goodbye to or hold onto forever.
How much pain one year can hold.
And the piles of joy that it can spill on you.
The memories, oh the memories.

I'm letting some of my ugly past go; bidding some pieces adieu.
There's beauty that it showed me. Like how amazing the body heals and how tender some hearts can be.
But you can't cling to the harsh things that changed you.
I'm going to live a little more in the now.
I'm gonna stop telling some of those old stories cause they only make me miss a 'coulda been'.
Maybe stop wearing that sweater...doubtful.
Learn to pick the banjo. Find out whether I have the music in me or not.
Start listening a little more than I talk.
Laugh, even at the stupid jokes that always seem to get told to me.
I hope you find more happiness than you thought you ever could.
And I hope you hurt and grow and smile. Be tough.

Adios 2015

Xoxo, Gussie

Toxic

There's something I want to talk to you about. And there's someone I'll probably never get the chance to apologize to, not the way that I should anyway.
So here goes.

I believe in energy. Good and bad, and I think you can use it to your advantage. But it is so powerful that if you aren't careful what you do with it, you can get in trouble, break hearts and push people away.

I believe in toxic people. The kind that drain you mentally and physically. The kind that you get in the car with and instantly want to get out because instead of pulling you up they are dragging you down.

Everyone can be toxic. I've been toxic without realizing it. It has taken a lot of thinking back to acknowledge it, and I'm sorry for it. That being said, just because at one point in time you were a toxic person doesn't mean you always are.
Now let me tell you who becomes your victim.

• Your best friend
• Your sibling(s) 
• Your significant other
• Anyone who is "there for you"

Wait, aren't they the people we want to protect not hurt?

But they listen and they try to understand the struggle. They have their hand on your shoulder and they tell you that you'll get through it and that everything will be okay.

And slowly we begin to take them for granted; we need more and more of this reassurance and we suck them dry. Then we lose them and it is so damned painful because we thought we were standing on rock bottom and then that last layer just got jerked out from underneath us.

But this is a chance to build yourself again. To make something of yourself that is revolutionary and amazing. It is going to be painful, but you can do it.

So take a little time, pick up that person who is so faithfully there for you and go for a drive. Buy them a drink, thank them for always being there for you, make some amazing memories and laugh with them. You'll be glad you did and so will they.

Now from the other side.

We can't let ourselves be used and abused. We're better than that. We can't let people drag us down.

But remember that we have said "I love you" to this person before, and they believed us. We have been their shoulder to cry on and they need us. And doesn't it feel amazing to know that someone trusts you enough to need you?

Sometimes they will be in a dark place, but that is TEMPORARY.

We have to do what we need to do. Take the risks we need to take. Use some self preservation. But I want us to remember the smiles and laughs and I want to realize that everyone goes through a hard time. 

But remember one thing for me. Please. Here's some brain food to think on.

Loving people is hard, I know. Especially when you can't understand how they feel.

But you said "I love you" and leaving someone when they need you most, that's not love. You don't leave someone you love exactly when they need you the most. 

XoXo, Gussie

P.S. I'm here for you.

gus.keetch@hotmail.com

Be Fierce.

I forget what to say sometimes. Then it just comes out vague. I don't mean it that way.

Cause heaven knows how deep my mind goes. 

Bottomless. 

You're not always wrong you know.

You got to defend yourself. Sometimes you're going to regret the words that spilled out of your mouth but that is part of the deal. 

It's alright to make some spontaneous decisions. Ya know, the kind that don't always end well.

Sometimes you'll put your middle finger to your wrong doers and keep on moving.

You're gonna earn some scars.

Wear them with some pride and wisdom, cause that's what scars are for after all. 

You can cry.

Trust me, I do that a lot. 

I hope I'm not getting repetitive. 

So I guess I'll leave you with this; short and sweet.

Be brave. Be fiery. Be gritty. Be tough. 

Be fierce as they come.

Xoxo. Gussie.

Use It.

I guess normally I'd tell you to be you and I'd say it in some profound way.

But here is the thing. It's okay to have people you wanna be like.

To have little things that you copy. Some pieces to keep for yourself.

Because at the end of the day you can only hold so much in your fists.
It's a small limit that fills fast and if you drink up too much of others, all of you will start to flow out.

We can only be so much and closure doesn't always comes. 

We crave it, but closure is a liar's poem, always looked for but never read out loud.
You have to lick your own wounds and sew them up with your own needle and thread.
And it's painful, I know.
We don't always get back some of the good we give out.
And every now and then we'll pour all of our love into someone who doesn't deserve it.
I guess sometimes we just have to peel ourselves off the dirt and give ourselves some credit.

You're not ruined. No matter how convinced you might be that you are, you're not.
You are what you touch, the emotions you feel, the sights you see. You are the warm blood in your veins and the words out of your mouth. You are every little nerve that makes up your body. You're as beautiful as any sunset that kissed the sky. You're the pain you feel, the love you give. You are your own miracle. 

Use it.

XoXo, Gussie

The way we used to be.

I can feel it hitting me. This time of year always creeps up with old memories on its coattail. The leaves and cold, the frost on the windshield, they have stories.

Like an old denim jacket, my collar cuffed up and the radio cranked.
We had our heads thrown back laughing like nothing could ever bring us down.
You were telling me tall tales with the brightest light in your eyes.
Cause we were close but our hearts were closer.
We had roping gloves falling out of the jockey box and coffee cups all over the truck.
It was late night drives out by the lake.
Our cold hands would throw a saddle over a hump-backed colt and we would smile over at each other with grins that damn near said 'it's about to go down.'
The sunsets glared at us sitting on tailgates watching them sink.
We were crying laughing at our own stupid jokes, throwing dirt clods across the barn.
Jumping train tracks in old trucks like we were cool or something.
We were holding each others hands telling ourselves it would be okay.
Deep down we knew it'd all work out someday, we had so much faith.
I can see us when I close my eyes.
Standing in parking lots with roper shoes on our feet and wild rags around our necks and we were grinning bitching about the cold.
You were so loud and it made me loud and we had the windows down in freezing cold weather.
Our cheeks stayed rosy red and our lips were as icy as our fingertips.
I remember the way your face would get dark when you were mad and how you sull up.
I always wanted to laugh cause you would come around so fast.
Your hair was messy under your hat and you were the fearless that I tried to be.

I wanna feel the way we felt; on fire.
I wanna be cold and stiff in the morning the way we used to be.

      Xoxo, Gussie

Fell in love.

I fell in love with the pain and the changing. I loved the high strung spirit. It called to mine, birds of a feather you know. I guess that's why I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that you couldn't stay. I fell in love with cold fingers intertwined. I fell in love with the thought, it all looked so good on paper. I liked the way the sunrise looked in the reflection of your eyes. I loved the feel of colts beneath me and how sweat stained our hats. I fell in love with late nights and long phone calls. But I only fell in love with the idea of it all. I've wiped tears with tail bags left on truck seats and it's the nights that kill me. But I like the way this old hat sits on my head and I feel at home on that same old horse. He nickers low and I can feel it breaking straight through to my soul. I love the way the wind tangles in my hair and how my cheeks turn red in the cold. I like deep breathes in my lungs. And I'm moving on I guess. I'm cold and shivering and nervous, but that's how life goes. There's more out there than you think, more than you could probably dream. But it'll only come if you believe and that's the hardest damned thing. Your shaking hands aren't broken, your tears aren't worthless. You're alright. And if I'm being straight with you, this is more for me. Like some written proof that the world keeps turning even when things aren't how you want it to be. It'll all come around and you get what you put out in the world. I hope you wake up to a cold morning and have a steaming cup of coffee.
Feel it. Feel it all. Suck it in. Let it seep into your skin, your soul, your heart.

Goodnight now.

XoXo, Gussie