Entry One
It's 43 degrees outside right now, which is strangely pleasant, beautiful really.
I'm missing summertime, early mornings, deep blue skies.
And tank tops.
I've been drowned in horses and everything that comes with them for the last few years.
The new year has given me a chance to gulp some air and try to regain vision.
I had no idea it would be this refreshing.
For so long all I could write about was horses, and when that's all my life involved I didn't have anything to say.
I guess I've just been thinking and forgot to leave any scribbles.
Actually, to be truthful, I had nothing good to say.
I forgot that I love them.
I fall asleep at night thinking about horses, dwelling on them, daydreaming about them.
A simple bad day just about breaks my heart sometimes.
I guess they scare me because I feel they might be the sole reason of my existence, or at least vital part of it.
That probably sounds silly but somewhere inside me I believe that.
I told myself a handful of times that I couldn't do it anymore, it was more than I could handle and some things really were.
So I eased off for a minute.
I came to realize that I didn't hate the horses or the hours or being tired or sore.
What was making me miserable were the voices.
The negative ones both in my head and out, I'm going to be more careful who I keep around.
I thought about 19 year old me yesterday, she didn't know where to even start with a colt.
She hadn't yet peeked her head through a window to see the world she was about to jump into with both feet.
Which goes to show she was braver than she thought she was.
I don't know if I would have guts for that now.
I'm in awe of how much of a mind game training horses is...and how crucial your health can be.
The world belongs to the strong they say. That means mentally too.
My goals are inked out on brown paper next to a prayer journal and a cup of coffee.
Three very important things to me.
If in three years I can change, for better and for worse, grow and dream bigger now than I ever thought I was capable, I suppose the next three years ought to be one hell of an adventure too.
None of this really points in any direction, it just seems that I've sort of used this page as a journal in the past, so here goes Entry One of 2019.
Dream really big. Like bigger than you think you ought to.
Smile hard, the kind the aches in your cheeks.
Drink a good whisky drink, a hot cup of coffee and whatever else healthy B12 shit you got to, and get shit done.
XOXO,
your forever discombobulated, Gussie
