Last summer I got something drilled into me. Something that I had suppressed with all my power. I was riding with a reining horse trainer and he's well kind of a hard core guy. I spent hours in his arena, sweating my butt off and pushing myself to the point where when I got home I would puke after I got off. INTENSITY.
He would say it as the clap of his hands echoed off the arena walls sounding like a whip. Intensity. Everything you do, do it with passion and intensity or it isn't convincing, that's how he explained it.
I was born with passion leaking out of my fingertips, my emotions always ran at ultimate highs and ultimate lows. And that got me in trouble. I was either too much or too little, so unbalanced, so unstable. I got sick of high hopes and let downs, big dreams and small realities. So I shut it off. I closed up, swallowed all of the pain, the heartache, the fear and the excitement. It worked unbelievably well.
I learned you have to allow yourself to feel to be hurt. Logically then if I never allowed myself the luxury of emotion then there would be no worries. It sounds like a joke, I know. I played people, always making sure I had the upper hand. No, I wasn't rude. I was just scrupulous about making sure that I never got the chance to be vulnerable, I'd had enough of that.
It bit came back with its fangs bared, bit me hard.
Because then there I was, being told that I needed some intensity and some passion. I had tucked all of that away in the corners and ends of my body, I'd made it scarce.
So I slid open the dusty drawers that I stored it in and I slowly reached out to grasp it. Electricity tickled my skin when I touched it. Life was pulsing back through my veins. It came about so oddly. My intensity was rekindled through the horses, through needing to be convincing. I needed to want something so badly that I was willing to fail to get it.
I get to thinking sometimes how much easier it was when I didn't care, when emotion didn't play into my actions - at least not near as much as they do now. But it wasn't worth it. All of that trying not to be vulnerable made me worse off. Cutting off all of that emotion made me shallow, vague.
Suck it out of the safes you keep it tucked away in. Use it. It is power. Let your heart pound from it's cage. You were meant to rattle the walls and shake the earth, that's why your feet aren't anchors. Bleed out your emotion, let it tell your story. No holding back anymore. INTENSITY.
I wonder what all your dreams are at night. Do you have nightmares? Do you wake up sometimes in cold sheets wishing that the good ones were real? Tell me what you're scared of and all your aspirations. Whisper it all in the darkness. I wonder if you've ever been scared the way I have.
Do you handle failure well? Or does it haunt you? Is it the screeches you hear when the wind blows through the trees? Don't worry anymore, it's all faded now. We've all cried ourselves to sleep and whispered lingering wishes after the sun had fallen. I guess we handled it differently. Some just took to the bottle and let it wash through them like it might drown their fear. And some puked away the ugly thoughts, lived in pain.
Wake up darling the sun climbed the edge of the earth this morning and it smiled on your unique little face. You rolled over in your bed sheets and blinked your eyes, you licked your lips and drank your morning brew. Your lungs sucked in a deep, cold, fresh air breathe. You're alive. This isn't another cliche quote.
Whisper 'I love you' in the darkness tonight. Look at the stars. Let stupid romance slip you off your feet. Let your nightmares drive you to live your fantasies.
I've spent my life whispering.
Whispering to horses. To the trees. To God.
Constantly in search of something.
That mix between safety and freedom.
It's a fine line.
I've been far too fragile, I'm learning to close some doors.
I don't love certain things anymore.
All my toxins are being cut off, they can't mangle my mind anymore.
I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. And it's building stronger even now.
Doubts still linger and taunt me but I have to remember where I've been.
Keep breathing. Keep whispering. Keep wishing on stars.
Dangle your feet in creek beds and screw the critics.
Let your heart be what it is and let your soul search for what it yearns for.
Be a gypsy if that's what you want.
Be a lawyer. Be a hippie.
Be a nun. Be a therapist. Be whatever you want. Just do it.
Don't listen to what the jealous bastards say.
Let them hiss and cuss you out but let them do it outside your mind.
You are good enough. Don't be scared.
The feet you stand on everyday have carried you this far and you got this.
Your head is on straight and your heart is burning for something. Chase it.