Sunday, July 26, 2015


Last summer I got something drilled into me. Something that I had suppressed with all my power. I was riding with a reining horse trainer and he's well kind of a hard core guy. I spent hours in his arena, sweating my butt off and pushing myself to the point where when I got home I would puke after I got off.
He would say it as the clap of his hands echoed off the arena walls sounding like a whip. Intensity. Everything you do, do it with passion and intensity or it isn't convincing, that's how he explained it.
I was born with passion leaking out of my fingertips, my emotions always ran at ultimate highs and ultimate lows. And that got me in trouble. I was either too much or too little, so unbalanced, so unstable. I got sick of high hopes and let downs, big dreams and small realities. So I shut it off. I closed up, swallowed all of the pain, the heartache, the fear and the excitement. It worked unbelievably well.
I learned you have to allow yourself to feel to be hurt. Logically then if I never allowed myself the luxury of emotion then there would be no worries. It sounds like a joke, I know. I played people, always making sure I had the upper hand. No, I wasn't rude. I was just scrupulous about making sure that I never got the chance to be vulnerable, I'd had enough of that.
It bit came back with its fangs bared, bit me hard.
Because then there I was, being told that I needed some intensity and some passion. I had tucked all of that away in the corners and ends of my body, I'd made it scarce.
So I slid open the dusty drawers that I stored it in and I slowly reached out to grasp it. Electricity tickled my skin when I touched it. Life was pulsing back through my veins. It came about so oddly. My intensity was rekindled through the horses, through needing to be convincing. I needed to want something so badly that I was willing to fail to get it.
I get to thinking sometimes how much easier it was when I didn't care, when emotion didn't play into my actions - at least not near as much as they do now.  But it wasn't worth it. All of that trying not to be vulnerable made me worse off. Cutting off all of that emotion made me shallow, vague.
Suck it out of the safes you keep it tucked away in. Use it. It is power. Let your heart pound from it's cage. You were meant to rattle the walls and shake the earth, that's why your feet aren't anchors. Bleed out your emotion, let it tell your story. No holding back anymore.

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