This Year

I find myself cross legged outside a round pen again. 

Watching troubled horses, 

Being worked around by troubled men. 

Like a vortex of the universe always drawing me back to here.

 

What you need always pulls you in. 

I guess it’s some law of living;

That God will bring you to the places you find healing. 

Like Wyoming, the desert, horses and men. 

A certain amount of chaos lives inside my mind. 

I must be no different than these colts, 

Need to touch the spot to not be scared again. 

But it hurts and I avoid it,

Someday I’ll grow wiser there. 

Till then, Lord, hold me close and guide me thru the storm. 

Stand beside me and don’t flog me around too much.

Give me a mind that’s willing and feet that move. 

Teach me to think thru my fears and grant me the time to grow into what you made me for this year. 

Xoxo, Gussie 

In Love

 

At the end of the day I love horses and you, nicotine and caffeine. 

It’s enough for me to die in love. 

In love with a rough hand holding mine and a dog at my feet. 

In love with a sunrise and early morning coffee. 

My life framed between the ears of horses, what a blessing that is to me. 

In love with quiet evenings talking with God. 

In love with you, in love with me. 

That’s enough. 

And if God, you, horses and dogs is all I have when I die, in my mind I died having it all. 

Xoxo, Gussie

Hard Roads

I’ll be damned if I don’t feel like me again. 

And I absolutely love it. 

I’ve had a couple bobbles but I’m me and then some now.

 

I’m glad to have me back, happy to see my own smile, she was gone for a while. 

I promise never to sacrifice myself for anyone else again. 

There’s a difference between service and self sabotage- I learned that one the hard way. 

If you’re in the trenches I promise you’re tough enough to get out. 

It’s no cake walk in there and your own mind is your deepest weakness but also your greatest strength. 

Learn to harness it. 

It’s an ongoing adventure. 

This world doesn’t belong to the weak. 

Consider it an honor to walk hard roads, we’re being conditioned for greatness. 

Xoxo, Gussie 

Again

 I'm painting my nails pink again.

I enjoy swinging a rope again.

Hell, I'm almost me again.

I had to die to get to my rebirth.

I would thank you for killing me,

but I don't hate myself anymore.

I like whisky and 7 again, 

there's a Coors Light in my hand most nights.

Just like old times huh?

Minus all the things that were eating me alive.

I read more books these days.

God and I hash shit out and He tells me who and where I am.

I wish I had asked Him some things a long time ago.

It wouldn't have changed much,

it all unfolded how it was supposed to.

He tells me there's something I'll never believe coming for me.

I can't wait to see it. 

I'm back to believing in the beauty of scars,

the cuts and burns, every bruise and its worth.   

My heart has shed enough blood for a lifetime.

Like a muscle, I had to be shredded to grow.

What I once thought ruined me, made me. 

I'll see you on the bloody side.

I'll be waiting with an open hand and healed up, scarred up heart.

XoXo, Gussie

Joshua 1:9

 I went for a walk with God this morning.

He met me in the sunrise and on the dew tipped start of green grass.

I asked Him why I always sense His presence behind me.

He told me He sends His angels out ahead of me.

That they fight with bloody fists, battles that I never see and clear my path before I set my foot upon it.

Then He explained that He walks behind me to guard my back.

He told me He was there blocking knives.

He said He doesn't walk ahead of me; because He promised to never leave me behind.

He promised He would be with me wherever I may go.

Be strong and courageous for the Lord, your God will be with you wherever you may go.

Joshua 1:9

Feet that aren't moving can't be guided.

Take the step, make the move, do the thing.

xoxo, Gussie

Joy

I’ve always wrote about pain

And of all of the unjust things

I’ve never known how to write about joy 

Someday I want to tho

Someday I want to write for you about the most beautiful things

Like

A morning sunrise so crimson and so gold 

That it actually heals some piece of your soul

Every blood blister, every bruise, every broken heart, every false I love you

Was a price you paid up front 

For all the true love, true peace and true joy now before you

Happiness is overrated 

It’s temporary and materialistic

Here in this moment and gone in the next 

I want you to feel pure joy 

To sit in the presence of God 

With the sounds of brood mares grazing and stomping and the panting of tired dogs 

To feel the warmth of sun on your face on that first hint of spring day

To smell a batch of cookies fresh out of the oven and a gentle hand holding yours

The little gifts of bliss

Someday I’ll write you something beautiful 

Something you can feel deep in your bones

Xoxo, Gussie 

And I Let You

I had a dream 

In it I held a wooden box of all our keepsakes 

I threw them off a cliff into a river 

And I saw you

Smiling, balancing on a dock railing

Just like the first one of my birthdays we spent together 

And then I watched you fall

And I let you 

And I cried 

Maybe that means that I’m finally letting you go 

xoxo, gussie