Some Shit About Stress and Happiness

     It's been a roller coaster the past 6 years. Just this stage of life, or perhaps all stages feel this way as they come.

    I've watched my health as a woman in her early twenties declining like a rock slide. One rock smashing into another larger one till the whole damn mountain is falling.

    It's been hard to watch, harder to feel. However, the hardest thing about it is coming to terms with the gruesome truth that it's been my fault from the get-go.

    Merriam-Webster defines the word EMPATH as

    "One who experiences the emotions of others" 

    I define it as mildly to extremely toxic, AF. 

    I believe that many people are born with a sense of empathy in them. It seems to me to be more commonly acted upon among women, though I have met some very empathic men too.

    I think there's surely nothing wrong with empathy. In a sense it makes us more human. Men seem to be better at telling people to "F off" though and I envy that.

   I took that empathy shit way too far, and it has caused me so. much. stress.

    And I know my girls are out there raising their shitty wine glass, or whiskey (I feel you) saying "Yo, me too."

    It's exhausting worrying about what someone thinks, wondering if you did a good enough job at something you weren't even required to do. 

    It's crippling wondering if it'll be taken wrong that you're prioritizing yourself tonight by taking a bath and getting to bed early instead of going out to the bar. You're not trying to hurt any feelings. You're trying to prepare yourself for kicking ass at your dreams tomorrow. AND THAT'S JUSTIFIED

    Better still, going above and beyond to be the most helpful person ever and then creating a situation where you're expected to do what you originally did as a thoughtful favor.

    I'm a people pleaser, I get it. I want to be everything for everybody's something they need.

    So when does this circle back to where this post began?

    Right, with being 25 and feeling like complete sh*t for 3 straight years.

    Funny thing, as I've dug deeper into my menagerie of health issues that many people close to me probably don't know exist, I've found one repetitive catalyst.

S T R E S S 

    Six letters of destruction. Self inflicted or not, stress eats away at you until you and your body really just can't take it anymore. Then if you add a healthy dose of alcohol, an empathic personality, an extremely physically demanding and under-eating lifestyle, you've got yourself quite the cocktail.

    I really love my comfort zone, there's a whole lot of people to corroborate that. My old boss and mentor loves to giggle at how tense I am riding colts and how he would remind me to breathe. And if he's reading this he's surely laughing at it again. (P.S. come ride with me sometime, not much has changed J. Law.) 

    Point being, it takes a lot for me to talk my mind into allowing myself to do something I'm surely capable of. I'm having to try really hard at it and sometimes I don't succeed. It's the most awkward in my own skin feeling ever.

    You write your own story in your mind. You create your reality with your imagination and subconsciously act upon what you think. I've seen myself play this out over and over until I just really can't deny its truth.

    I've been reading some books and I've finally started to make some headway on my health issues, it's going to get better and better, I can feel it.

    I feel like everyone has these huge dreams somewhere deep inside and it is really just a matter of whether or not they act on them. So I decided to do some acting and make some changes to my lifestyle and my business. 

    The rewards haven't yet been reaped but I think it will be worth it, there's already a load of stress and huge weight off of my shoulders. I've even found myself writing again, and I love it.

    I hope somehow these monotonous ramblings will make you contemplate what you truly value and I hope you prioritize it above all else.

    All the love, 

XOXO, Gussie